


The War to End all Sex Wars

by Master_of_the_Boot1



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blood Drinking, Blood and Gore, Doggy Style, F/F, F/M, Graphic Description, Hardcore, I am an edgy man, M/M, Nazi Germany, Pink diamond is awful, Violence, Zombies, rose Quartz is a bad person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:49:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21684787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Master_of_the_Boot1/pseuds/Master_of_the_Boot1
Summary: While fighting Emerald in the far fringes of Homeworld's Empire, Lars must risk life and limb to save his friends from an insane Nazi General.Erwin Rommel has been brought back to life by Rose Quartz and he never takes prisoners when he can pulverize them instead.This is truly the War to End All Wars.Or: I embrace my Edgelord roots
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga & Padparadscha, Pee Dee Fryman/Steven Universe
Comments: 2





	The War to End all Sex Wars

The War to End All Sex Wars

Author’s note: This story contains hardcore sex, graphic violence and controversial imagery. Be warned. If you know me, none of this should come as a surprise

* * *

_The Hexagonal Virgo System, the edges of the Diamond Authority_

“ _Nyyyy-eegh!_ ” Lars Bariga grunted as his little girlfriend shoved her giant cock into his butt. His thighs pulled against the leg irons and his arms tugged on the handcuffs. His sphincter pulsed around Padparadscha’s coke can thick cock and his prostate sang so sweetly. He cried out as his below average pee-pee shot out a thick, sticky, sweet stream of cum. The strawberry man spray splattered all over the gem’s face; painting it thick with shock.

“I have a vision! I’m nutting!” she suddenly cried out as she pushed her third leg right up to her impressive balls. The small gem dug her nails into Lars’s pink ass and threw back her head. The gem’s own seed, a lighter shade of pink flooded Lars’s pretty pink poop chute. Pulling out, the tiny gem fell backwards and landed on her plush, jiggly ass. Out of Lars’s abused sphincter, a stream of thick, sweet cum poured out.

The bed sheets were soaking wet and Lars gasped with orgasmic bliss. Truth be told, Padparadscha was hung like a horse and she had the stamina of one as well. For a moment there was silence. Then the cute little gem piped up, “I predict you will be sticky and wet. I request you let me eat your creampie, my prince.” the Cute gem did a small standing curtsy, as her penis swept the bed sheets.

Lars laughed a bit, “Sadie never did this for me; call me prince. You make me feel like Royalty.”

There was a thirty second delay as Padparadscha’s penis grew hard again and then she saw the vision. “Oh my, my Lars is flattered. But you are my prince, Human-Lars. You are my Human-Lars and I am your Sapphire.”

The pink space pirate flashed her a grin, “You’re the best fuck I ever had. If you eat my asshole I’ll eat yours. I never did this for Sadie.”

Love making was cut short as Lars suddenly felt a sharp pain in his bladder. He cried out in pain as something went very very wrong. Crying out and arching his back, Lars farted out the rest of the thick, creamy cum that Padparadscha left him. Every muscle in his body tightened in a death rattle as something pushed out of his penis.

Expanding out like a python swallowing a pig but in reverse, Lars pushed Steven Universe out of his urethra.

Covered in fluids, Steven was unperturbed. “Lars! It worked! I’ve got some stuff to tell you!” The boy shouted excitedly. Lars had nothing to say because his pee hole had been stretched wide enough to pass a wild boar. He cried like a little girl as Padparadscha became aware of what was going on.

“Human-Lars, I’ve had a vision!” She clapped her hands to her cheeks (on her face) “Human-Steven will push his way through a portal in your bladder! I did not know you had a portal other than your hair!”

In response Lars wept and clicked off the handcuffs, hitting the safety catches and setting himself free. With his hands free he set his legs loose and curled up to cry. Sensing he needed her, Padparadscha waddled up to Lars and began to stroke his pink hair. Her tiny, stubby hands massaged his scalp. One hand went down and wiped the tears from his eyes.

Meanwhile, Steven announced his news with breathless excitement. “So Lars, you know Lion? Well it turns out he’s not a Lion. Lion is actually a human that mom brought back to life and then my mom turned him into a Lion when he got too independent. Also it turns out my mom liked to rape child prostitutes. My mom was a disgusting person.” He explained in rapid and brief order.

Grinding his teeth, Lars managed to steady himself. Agony ripped through his urinal sphincter and his penis felt like an army of porcupines had marched up on. Spasms of agony went up and down his tube and Steven had kicked him in the nuts while he went through the universe’s first man birth.

“So I came here because Garnet said that you’re in danger of losing your Soul,” the lad elaborated as he got up in Lars’s face and violated his sense of personal space. “You’ve got a tree in your head and you’re in danger of losing it. Garnet says that if your head tree dies you’ll become some kind of pervert and suffer forever like in the movie _Sex Dracula Three: This time it’s PTSD.”_

Lars could still say nothing as his penis throbbed and burned like it was roasting over an open flame. “Steven! What the fuck! Why?” He gasped between each question.

“That was by accident, there was a pink bush in your head space and I jumped into it instead of the tree,” Steven admitted, “I didn’t know that it would lead out of your pee-pee.”

“You weird little freak!” Lars snapped, as Padparadscha began to clean him off with a moist towelette. “You could have torn my dick off! I’ve been through a lot and the last thing I need is to lose my junk!”

“Aww, I’m sorry Lars,” Steven lowered his head. “You died because of me, I don’t want you to lose your soul too. I should have asked you before pushing through your pee-pee, I’m sorry.”

Against his better judgment, Lars wanted to forgive Steven. He was so cute and chubby, with his starry eyes. He was also so fucking sincere. Unlike Lars, he didn’t have a selfish bone in his body; it made Lars really insecure and want to be more selfish in response.

He didn’t have a chance for a witty comeback because at that moment, the emergency lighting went on. “It’s a fight!” Lars Gasped. “Pads, some with me! It’s time to kick some ass!” the change in him was quick as lightning. He stood high, with pink cum flowing down his sexy pink thighs. Grabbing Padparadscha, he lifted her like a giant teddy bear. The tiny adorable gem passively held in place before crying out. “I’ve had a vision of the battle lights coming on! We are fighting Emerald’s armada and a fleet of pirates.”

There was a thundering crash and the deck plating shifted. “Bring me my clothes, Steven!” he charged out the door of his cabin while Steven tried to make desperately sure that he was carrying matching socks for Lars.

The Sun Incinerator tilted again with another impact. Predictably, Rhodonite was ready to shit herself with fear. “Starboard shields are at Seventy two percent and dropping fast!”

In the navigator seat, Fluorite read telemetry with grave inference. “Pirate raiders . . . have destroyed . . . Emerald’s vanguard.”

“Okay girls, it’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum and we’re not very good gum chewers,” Lars spat out like a gun toting action hero. Behind him, Steven handed off his cape and he was fully complete. Looking like some crazy wild anime hero Lars sat in his captain’s chair, ready for anything the world had to throw at him.

“Fluorite! Get us into Warp and punch the frequencies to get around temporal mines!” he commanded swiftly, “Rutile and Rutile! Wire up the reactor to the stolen battery packs! Let’s overcharge this bitch!”

The Rutile twins looked at one another. “If we die, I want you to now you were almost a person I could live next to.” said Right Rutile.

“And also fuck you,” said Left Rutile. “Stop being a wimp.” The button was punched.

Steven flew backwards and crashed into the bulkheads as the ship blasted forward, overcharged shields absorbed space born temporal mines that went off with the force of the big bang and engines burned holes in the time space continuum itself.

“I predict the Pirate commander has anticipated our moves,” said Padparadscha, “He has broken Homeworld’s communication codes and is using stolen intel from Emerald.”

There was a crash and the bridge went dark. Light and heat came in the form of a giant chainsaw blade cutting through the front of the viewport. The shriek of metal made Lars clamp his hands over his ears. In the flickering light, Lars could make out something in the entry port. Heavy machinery, rusty, dirty and Jerry rigged. He saw the harpoon weapon and reacted.

There was no way that Padparadscha could react to the harpoon gun, so Lars took it for her. She stood still as a metal hook ripped through his guts; one that would have shattered her. Her scream of anguish matched his one of physical pain earlier as he jumped onto him.

Servo motors fired as the harpoon line retracted and dragged Lars with it. Padparadscha refused to let go and in the maelstrom of madness, was dragged along with him. Crying out, Steven leaped after them; grabbing onto one of Padparadscha’s dainty feet.

Darkness met him as the Harpoon system hauled them in.

Tumbling down, Steven looked up and started into the glowing eyes of a vicious Jasper. Not just any Jasper like the famethyst, but a perfect Jasper the size and musculature of the one who’d arrived on Beach City with the hand ship.

The Jasper grinned and growled “ _Lat Oss Prata.”_ She flexed her giant arms and gave Steven a good look at her nearly nude body. The spaghetti strap bikini covered almost nothing; dusky orange aerolas met Steven’s gaze and the crotch string obscenely rode up her plump pussy lips. Lacking a traditional quartz jumpsuit, the Quartz flashed her gem; which was located where the clitoris should be.

Stomping over, a second perfect Jasper with identical clit gem and obscene bikini leered at Steven. With a sparkle of light, a gigantic rhino horn of a codpiece formed on her crotch. “ _Lat Oss Gat till Generalen.”_

The first Jasper laughed as she formed a giant sledge hammer of a codpiece over her pussy. She grabbed Steven by the hair and he screamed as the gem cock of death came at him.

Lars cried out as he stabbed the Jasper who was about to face fuck Steven. The Jasper cried out and instead of caving in Steven’s skull, she smashed him across the face with her codpiece. The sister Jasper screamed in Swedish. “ _Fitta!_ ”

A gigantic hand grabbed him by the throat and lifted him in the air. Her other hand ripped the diamond edged improvised knife from his hand. Part of him had been ripped out by the harpoon but his spine was intact. Bits of his guts hung on his pants as he met the Jasper’s tiger like eyes. Grunting, he had a pretty good pithy remark, but he couldn’t say it because his throat was constricted. Instead, he settled for giving the Jasper the finger.

“Don’t damage the prisoners,” came a haughty, aristocratic voice. “The General will want them. The pink one especially. Please, Jasper-Einz, take him to the General; the pink one will regenerate. Jasper-Zwei, bring the human and the defective sapphire; they will make good harvesting.”

Coming up to the twin Jasper’s knee, the Sapphire wore a similar obscene bikini that rode up her plush ass and only just covered her nipples. The provocative Sapphire flashed her cyclopean eye proudly, not bothering to hide it behind a curtain of hair. “Welcome to the General’s Flagship, the _Gheist Einteilung_.” The Sapphire purred, deliberately shaking her large blue tits for Lars.

Jasper-Zwei scooped up Steven and Padparadscha, tucking both under her arm; her rhino horn codpiece glittering away. The Sapphire blinked and smiled, “The General will be pleased. I foresaw one like him and that was why he chose to attack so deep into Homeworld’s borders. Then again, he’s only been proving the weakness of the Diamonds for the last half century; mercilessly hunting the slaves of the Authority.”

“Can you let us go?” Steven asked. “I can stay in my friend’s place and be your hostage.”

“Please call me Safir,” she purred like a porn star in a skinemax flick, “And no I’m afraid my General will want the pink one; though you may serve your purpose. It’s been so long since I had a boy go down on me; the General is a very jealous man and never forgives when he can pulverize instead.”

Safir pirouetted, strutting down the hall with the deliberate intention to shake all that she had and flaunt every curve she’d been given. The Jasper twins followed obediently, carrying their prisoners. Lars grunted and struggled but to no avail. His guts slowly regenerated but overhead leaky pipes dropped water, oil and other compounds all over him and dripping into the wound. Stray wires sparked and DIY robonoids scuttled like crabs.

The party moved through the General’s ship, past a silent hall full of code breaking Pearls; the encryptions of Homeworld and other pirate and rebel factions taken apart by assembly line. The eyes of the Pearls flashed with code and their hands moved blindingly over their consoles.

Things moved in the shadows, things with multiple eyes and multiple penises watched with unholy hunger. But there was an area of the ship where nothing happened. Everything was still, absolutely still; even the sound of the engines was gone. There was only the clicking of a bead curtain in a doorway and the sound of new boots squeaking.

“The General is a beast of a man, but every man needs a little push,” Safir clapped her hands as her butt cheeks clapped from her being dummy thicc. “Her General, you can come out now! We’re ready!”

There was a noise from behind the curtain of beads, another squeaking of boots that had yet to be broken in. Whatever Steven and Lars expected, they did not expect a pink, undead Nazi general to march out of the room.

Blood pinked on the deck as the General adjusted the thing on his face.

“That guy killed a dog and put it on his face.” Steven was ready to cry as the tall, Pink man in adjusted his Heer Officer’s cap and grabbed his crotch.

“What the fuck?” Lars jaw dropped as the man’s bulging, pink eyes saw right through him. “You skinned a fucking dog and wore it on your fucking face?”

The General said nothing, his bloodshot eyes flicking over to Steven; foam collected at the corners of his mouth and dribbled onto the ground.

“I predict the reason all these gems are crazy is because their commanding officer is fully insane,” said Pads.

That set him off.

“MEINE NAME IST ERWIN ROMMEL!” the General screamed at the top of his lungs. Steven and Lars flinched, while the Jasper twins guffawed and looked knowingly at one another. “This is mein true nature!”

Lars didn’t know what to make of it as ol’ Ernie Rommel raised his arms high and knocked back the bead curtain. Behind Rommel, Lars could make out a pile of human skulls that had been made love to. Before that, the dead body of a mastiff lay in a pool of its own blood.

Rommel raved, eyes rolling back in his head and teeth stained with red dog’s blood. Fuscia snot spurted onto his upper lip as he ranted. “ _Americanisch! Deutsch!_ Gems! This is who I am! This is who we all are! Fucking pulling dogs on our heads and wearing them as sex masks!”

“ _Hen ar sexig_ ,” chortled Jasper-Einz.

“ _Hen ar valdigt sexig,_ ” agreed Jasper-Zwei.

Rommel suddenly stomped to Steven in his squeaky boots. “For honour I put country above leader! For putting country above _fuhrer_ , the Austrian Corporal killed my family and had me raped by dogs!”

Safir strutted up to her General and put a hand on his crotch, where a giant bulge had formed.

“Rose Quartz found me beautiful and gave me life but no soul!” he choked on his bile and suddenly punched out his pet sapphire.

Safir fell to the ground, grunting in pain. Spitting up blue blood, she made a show of licking the blood off her plush lips. Crawling forward, got on all around and threw herself submissively at Rommel’s feet.

The man who’d been known as the desert fox ignored Safir and pointed at Lars. “Sie! I will have your soul! I have sought vengeance in pain and slaughter but your soul will make me whole once again!”

Lip curling up in a sneer, Rommel began to growl and then full on bark like a dog. His Sapphire crawled up his leg and climbed his torso before sitting on his shoulder like a slutty parrot. “ _Ruff! Ruff-Ruff!_ _Ar-Ruff-Ruff!_ _”_ he barked at the curvy blue gem.

Safir giggled and whispered into his ear. For a moment, a sliver of sanity entered Rommel’s expression under the dog face. “Jasper-Einz! The Gem Rejuvenator!”

Jasper-Einz guffawed as she reached into her clit gem and produced a giant scythe. She laughed as she slashed the light blade multiple times at Steven.

Lars cried out, throwing himself at the giant gem without regard for his safety. Try as he might, his effort was futile as Jasper-Zwei stomped on his head. Spit shot out of his mouth and a tooth popped out from the force of her mighty foot.

The wet, phlegmy rasp of Rommel’s German lit filled the chamber, “Jasper-Zwei, take the pink one to the harvesting chamber. And take Rose Quartz to my sex dungeon,” his eyes flashed with huger. “Put him in something nice, wash him up and work him over. I want you to spare her no quarter.”

“ _Ja, Generallen,”_ the two Jasper’s saluted their commander with a diamond salute.

“I predict I will end your worthless life, Sapphire Cut 8008-Facet 666,” Padparadscha chirped.

The twin Jasper’s looked down at the tiny gem, having nearly forgotten her. They looked up to their commander, awaiting the order to bind, torture and shatter.

Safir laughed, her one eye narrowing with mirth. “Not likely, off color. You were something before the disease took you, Padparadscha Cut 69-Facet 69. Now why don’t you go off and tell us something that’s already happened, if you make us laugh we may even keep you around as the court jester.”

“Throw her in the storage unit,” Rommel snapped, “In the _mornung_ , dress her up like a child. All of you know that I get aroused when I start to think about MURDERING CHILDREN WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!! I NEED MURDER FOR MY COCK!!!” His hands clenched and in his ranting, raving madness he coughed up a baby’s pacifier. Safir rubbed her thighs together at the inevitable snuff film marathon that her future vision was predicting.

Lars screamed as Jasper-Zwei thrust a taser gun into his balls. His pink nutsack jiggled like a bag of jelly as fifty thousand amperes of voltage went through one ball and into the other. This was getting Jasper-Zwei very excited because her rhino horn codpiece had sparkled back into existence. Grinning, she laughed at the pile of ripped cloth that used to be Lars’s anime space pirate costume.

Jasper-Zwei laughed once more and drove the taser into Lars’s pretty pink sack. Thumbing up the power, she cackled as she saw Lar’s skeleton glow through his flesh. He was like the most gorgeous and hideous Halloween decoration. Jasper-Zwei laughed and chortled. “ _Suga min Fitta! Rosa Lamm!”_

Gasping with agony, Lars wept freely. “Untie me and I swear to Christ I’ll fucking kill you where you stand.” he glared at her through bloodshot eyes. “And if you don’t stop talking in Swedish I’ll rip your fucking nipples of and go diarrhea in your wounds.”

This amused Jasper-Zwei very much, who eyed him with something close to respect. Behind her, a human skeleton with cybernetic enhancements shrieked like a dying cat. She stopped to pet the cybernetic skeleton that was holding a large plastic board covered in torture devices. The monstrosity shrieked as red light shone from its empty eye sockets.

Kneeling down, Jasper-Zwei looked Lars in the eye. “I have only one aim,” she said in a rough, growling voice. “And that is to take many lives; the more I kill the better I feel.” Her hand show down and stroked her clit gem.

More laughter rumbled from her muscular chest. Playfully, one of her giant gorilla fingers reached out and flicked Lars across the nipple; one and then other. Her booming laughter drowned out the random shrieks of the cyber skeleton, as well as the sound of chains and an incinerator burning god knows what. The room shook as the disposal unit belched out something that smelled like burned pearl shards.

This was worse. Worse than attacking his balls. He started to laugh.

Then to cry.

Lars hated being tickled. Ronaldo used to tickle him this way and he would beg to stop. It was one of many reasons he stopped being with Ronaldo. He never respected Lars’s consent. Neither was Jasper-Zwei.

A few decks above, things were no better. Padparadscha had been dressed up to look like a little German _madchen_. Her cute, pouting lips were drawn into a sad, little frown. The swaying of the cage made her little green skirt blow in the breeze. Below her cage, Rommel was burying his nuts inside of Safir.

Safir moaned panted like a dog in heat as Rommel jackhammered her from behind. The dead, lifeless eyes of his Thomas the Tank engine mask hid his bestial rage. His blue spandex wrapped around his whipcord lean body; highlighting the strong, lean muscle he packed. The cosplay spandex had not been washed in a very long time; it was stained with Safir’s fluids, Rommel’s pink sweat and the blood of the goat they slaughtered as foreplay.

Somebody moaned across Rommel’s quarters. Steven had seen better days. He looked good in sexy pink lingerie like this. Safir had tied the wires around his wrists and feet too tightly; Steven’s feet and hands were turning blue from lack of circulation. One of his eyes twitched while the other was firm shut.

“I have had a mournful vision,” Padparadscha sobbed. “I have seen Human-Steven be injected with super Nazi heroine.” She wept openly, “You’ve given Steven the entire hepatitis alphabet!”

A flask of blood flew across the room and smashed across Padparadscha’s cage. The little pink gem stayed nonreactive as red fluid splattered all over her.

On the giant heart shaped bed, Safir grunted between each of Rommel’s deep thrusts into her shapely snatch. “Will-you-oh!-shut it! Ah! MM! Fucking-Off-Ah-Color!”

The little pink sapphire said nothing, even when she had enough time for her past vision to catch up. What could she ever say to Safir? Goat’s blood trickled down her face and stuck in her hair, while in his heroin induced nightmares, Steven started begging for Connie.

Something like an alarm clock went off next to Rommel’s bed. “ _Demonic presence at minimal safe level.”_

Rommel growled and smashed the device with his fist. Renewing his fucking, he pulled out and buried his hog in Safir’s blue puckered anus. His pet seer threw back her head, her cyclopean eye rolling back in her head.

“Hurt me, Herr General; I beg of you,” she moaned like a true wanton woman.

Rommel was only too happy to oblige. His trusted Safir loved pain and he was a man who’d become very, very good at dishing it out.

“Wait!” screamed Safir, “We’re being invaded, Herr General! Invaders in the sex dungeon!”

Animal fury ripped from his throat and behind his Thomas the Tank Engine mask. Rommel ripped his dick from Safir’s abused ass and threw her off the bed. Shoving his dirty hog into his spandex, he grabbed a gem destabilizer from under the pillows.

Charging out of the bedroom, he found Jasper-Einz, who’d been watching through the keyhole and masturbating.

Snarling, Rommel kicked Jasper-Einz across the chin, knocking her to the floor. “ _Schneller!_ We are under invasion! Sound the alarm and gather the troops! Kill anyone you find, but the pink boy is mine!”

Saluting her commander, Jasper-Einz ran to a bulk head and punched a big red button. Alarms and klaxons blared across the vessel. Encryption pearls were shuttled off to a storage bay. Teams of Era 1 Peridots with various deformities powered up their limb enhancers. In the sex dungeon itself, Jasper-Zwei was throw off guard by an explosion.

Lars shut his eyes as a giant eyeball formed in the middle of the torture room. The eyeball looked around, blinked and then ruptured in a wave of fluids. The cyber skeleton shrieked and its rib cage opened like rusty saloon doors; micro missiles and laser defences powered up. It never had the chance as the slice of a machete chopped its head off.

The Rutile twins flew from the centre of the bloody eyeball, their minds as one. “Machete twins, attack!” they triumphantly shouted, each one holding an identical machete.

Jasper-Zwei summoned her rhino codpiece all too late. The twins latched on and each one bit into her breasts with their razor sharp teeth. Inflamed by the taste of blood, the twins ripped the boobs off of the giant Jasper. Jasper-Zwei screeched in agony and then gurgled as twin machetes punched up through her jaw and came out the top of her head. She poofed without another word.

The cyber skeleton was still a problem as it stomped around the dungeon like a headless chicken. Deprived of a head, the body was still trying to kill; firing missiles and laser beams with wild abandon. Lars screamed in terror as the cyber skeleton was rounding at him. He felt the head of a laser beam scorch off part of his hair.

The horror show wasn’t over as the cyber skeleton exploded into fire and bone fragments. The thing’s fusion power plant ruptured and turned into a mini sun for a few seconds.

There was a moment of silence as Lars realized that he still had most of his skin. He had no eyebrows and second degree burns everywhere, but he would live. “Rutiles?” he couched.

“Captain Lars!” said the left Rutile, “We thought you were dead!”

“But we hoped you weren’t!” said the right Rutile. “If you were, we would become consumed by revenge and feast on the shards of those who harmed you.”

“Where’s Steven!” Lars cried out as he struggled against the chains holding him.

“We will find him!” said the Left one. “We planted a future sight-resistance tracking device up your butt for an occasion like this.”

“You did what!?” Lars screeched.

“We asked Padparadscha very innocently,” said the Right twin, “Padparadscha predicted we might run into another Sapphire, and since we used to hunt and kill aristocratic gems with Sapphire entourages; we thought we could use our expertise to help you!”

“Nothing goes up my butt without my permission!” Lars snapped as the twins began unchaining him. “That’s what consent means! I thought Rhodonite taught you better!”

“We are sorry,” both of the twins bowed their heads. “We will make this up to you, Captain Lars.”

“If Steven makes it out alive, I’ll forgive you both and eat your pussy,” Lars grunted before falling out of his chair and hitting the floor.

The twins exchanged glances. “We will find Steven alive and with all of his limbs,” they promised. Quickly bubbling Jasper-Zwei, the twins reached into their gem and passed Lars a set of pants and a swanky, shiny sword that would make Lelouche jealous.

Lars took the lead, it was just like being back on Homeworld. The twisted, winding bulkheads were nothing new; dripping with moisture and with barrels of toxic waste left for anyone to trip over them. Compared to the great abyss where he first met the off colors this place was fairly tame.

The sound of thudding limb enhancers rang down the corridors and the twins grabbed Lars by the hands. Meanwhile, he struggled to throw on pants with his skin nearly melted. Green blasts of energy from the Peridot squadrons rained upon them. The twins retaliated by hurling their machetes like boomerangs. The sounds of screams echoed down the corridors.

“Our ability to maim and cripple has not dulled,” cheered the right Rutile.

“And they will kick our asses if we don’t run faster!” Left Rutile panicked.

“We go this way!” Right Rutile pointed at another identical looking hallway.

“This is where Rommel’s Lovenaseum is!” said Left Rutile. “When we reach Steven, we can use his unique gem to power this teleport device that Fluorite built for us!” She held up a machine that looked like a travel sized vibrator.

The door was wide open and the three of them should have known better. Lars saw Steven and for the first time he wanted to cry. He ran to the boy chained up in a chair, pumped full of Nazi heroine, helpless. He’d never seen Steven like this, not even after the toughest of his adventures. “Hey Twins, gimme a machete!”

The twins reacted, cutting through the handcuffs that Steven wore, causing him to fall to the floor. With another swing of their blade, they freed Steven’s feet.

The boy began to shiver, “Connie,” he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

Everything went Pear shaped as Jasper-Einz leaped out from behind the heart shaped bed with her battering ram codpiece. It was like a standard Quartz spin dash but more like a giant cock slap.

Left Rutile looked in horror as the battering ram cod piece went into her mouth and exploded out the back of her skull. Right Rutile was spunked with her twin’s blood, skull and brains before the cock penetrated her mouth and blew out the back of her head as well.

“Did you think you could get past me?” Laughed Safir, who walked out from behind a curtain, guarded by a deformed Peridot.

The Era 1 Peridot hobbled on a peg leg and cradled a laser canon where her left arm should have been. On her back, a random foot twitched rhythmically. One of her eyes looked at Lars while the other veered forty five degrees off at the goat carcass from earlier. “Dampening field is holding,” she gargled with the voice of a heavy chain smoker. “Once we calibrated for Diamond signature all systems are green.”

Safir laughed, her breasts bouncing. Jasper-Einz crouched for another cock attack; like a half tamed tiger with a hunger for pussy. “So my suspicions are confirmed. My General has shattered many gem and pleased himself with the shards; this will be the first time he has the right to defile a diamond.”

Lars clenched the machete in his hand as Jasper-Einz prepared to pounce. Around his ankles, Steven moaned softly as Nazi super heroine messed with his mind and body. Sweat poured across the boy’s body and he shivered again though his temperature was higher than a fever. Padparadscha was . . .

Not in the cage she’d been locked in.

Like Sapphire had been shocked by Ruby on Earth three thousand years ago, Safir was shocked by Padparadscha in this pile of shit run by an insane Nazi.

In her blood soaked _madchen_ fetish costume, Padparadscha drew a giant Bowie knife from her gem. Grabbing Safir by the hair, she pulled her head back and slashed her throat. Safir’s cyclopean eye widened as blue blood gushed out of the wound. Before she could poof, Pads struck again and shattered her enemy.

There was a solitary scream cut short and then there were only shards.

Padparadscha held her knife out and shouted in a high, girlish voice. “I am the Super-Murderer! And I will not be stopped!”

Jasper-Einz roared and stomped on Padparadscha like a mushroom.

Lars only saw red as he watched his lover explode into flesh chunks and then turn into mist. He chopped Jasper-Einz in the neck, striking her spinal column.

Like the devil, she bled but did not die. Jasper-Einz only seemed more enraged by her injury and ripped Lars’s machete arm off.

Then a flash of green light and her head exploded.

The deformed Peridot grinned. “I would like to formally surrender.”

Lars held his machete aloft. He lacked Steven’s infinite capacity for forgiveness but ultimately he was short on allies. “Okay, if you want to surrender to me you have to . . . suck my dick!”

The deformed Peridot didn’t look bothered by the slightest. “I will degrade myself when I am far, far away from General Rommel and the territory of the diamond authority. With his Safir destroyed, he will be in a fit of rage before he scouts a replacement. There will be not only shattering, rape and harvesting but there will be re-education.” She shuddered and her green face turned pale. “I’ll die before I am re-educated again. By comparison, any dick sucking or butt fucking you ask of me pales to insignificance.”

“So get us out of here and suck me off later!” panic grew in Lars voice.

“First off, call me Hans,” said the strange Peridot. “The General calls me that for some reason and the word gives me sensual pleasure to pronounce.” said Hans.

“Okay Hans, get us the fuck out of here! Lars could hear footsteps coming down the hallway, as well as loud, dramatic shouting in German.

“There is a secret teleport to the shuttle bay,” said Hans. “It was designed by Safir in case everything went wrong for her and General Rommel.” Hans hobbled over to a velvet curtain on the wall and pulled it back. “Her plan was to leave everyone to die and rebuild from scratch with her beloved General. It was always Safir who oversaw the strategic side of operations while General Rommel took over tactical and operational parameters.”

Lars looked behind the velvet curtain and gasped as he was greeted by the severed head of Rebecca Sugar mounted on a spike.

Rebecca’s head stared blankly at Lars and a bloated tongue hung down their cheek.

Hans raised her laser canon and fired at the head.

Lars nearly fell on his ass when the head let out a demonic growl and grimaced in pain. Hans fired again and suddenly everything dissolved like a cut away in an old nineties video game. Lars found himself in a hangar bay with a shuttle and boxes and boxes and . . . boxes of gem shards. Scanning around, Lars took in the hangar bay; stared up at the Diamond insignia that had been painted over with a giant Swastika and the heaps of bones from countless dead humans and aliens who’d fed Rommel’s hunger for blood in a way that gems couldn’t.

Some kind of three eyed space rat scampered out of the skull of a bird-blob. The sight of the space varmint made Lars squeak with fear; he hated rats on any planet.

While he was busy focusing on a space rat and tripping over bones of children, Hans dumped Steven onto Lars’s lap; causing him to fall over. The boy was heavy. Additionally, Hans dropped the gems of the twins and Padparadscha onto them. “Take care of these. I’ll get the shuttle started; if we are attacked then force the diamond to fuse with the others; that will instantly revive them and provide us with force options.”

Steven puked up strawberry smoothy all over Lars. He really, really loved Steven and would never admit it but he never signed up to be puked on.

“The shuttle is powering up, my access codes are accepted!” Hans shouted with her glee, her wall-eyes alight with real joy for the first time since Era-1.

Something broke open a wall. The misshapen hands and feet of a cluster beast shredded through a patched up bulkhead. Something wearing a blue spandex suit charged through the breech. Instead of using his gem destabilizer, Rommel latched onto Hans and bit down on her gem.

The shriek of terror and agony was unlike anything that Lars had seen. Rommel wasn’t just attacking her hard light form, he was assaulting her very body; the green gem sticking out of her neck like a goitre.

Tears of pain streaked down her cheeks as Hans tried to beg for her life. “I’m sorry, General! I’m sorry!” he kept repeating over and over again. “PLEASE DON’T RE-EDUCATE ME!”

Under his smiling Thomas the tank engine mask, Rommel bit harder on the gemstone; felt it about to give like hard card. He tore and pulled at the gem like a starving wolf ripping into a young fawn. The flesh around the gem tore and ripped; green blood soaked his lips before evaporating and teased his tongue.

It was like the robonoids of the under tunnels. Lars was back on Homeworld again, here in this fucking slaughter house built by a monster who wore the mark of an ideology representing everything vile in the human soul.

Like before, Lars knew there was no choice. He didn’t want to make another choice.

Rommel was about to rip the gem from Hans’s neck when Lars fell upon him with screaming rage. The roots of wrath went ever deep as the pink boy drove a random metal shard into the General’s eye; breaking through the cheap plastic mask that he hid behind. The three of them fell to the cluttered ground.

Hans curled up on herself, begging over and over not to have to go through re-education. Shaking like a leaf, she openly bawled; Lars could only guess at what kind of hell she’d been through to get this way.

The snarling of a beast rumbled over her crying, Rommel ripped a three inch rusted shard of iron from his face. The shattered mask he wore revealed one bloody eye. Cracked bones from the destroyed eye socket punched through his pink skin and he tasted his own blood.

Many arms and wails of agony roared from the cluster creature, tortured and insane beyond what it had been cursed with at its birth. The shuttle bay was on lock down but it would break through soon.

Erwin adjusted himself, feeling the knife at his belt and the comforting weight of the Luger pistol in his pocket. A few grenades rattled on his chest. His thick, pink blood made his plastic mask stick to his face; one bloodshot eye peeped through it out of a destroyed socket.

There was no strategy to it. There was only the death ride. Lars stood between him and his prey, between Hans and Rose Quartz.

Rommel wanted to make Rose suffer. He wanted to mutilate the Crystal Gems in front of her face and feast upon the shards. No matter what preposterous form she took or what human meat shell she hid in, he would find her and make her suffer for creating him. She should have left him to rot on top of that garbage pile in Berlin.

Lars never stood a chance. Rommel was stronger, faster and smarter than he was. In his blue spandex sex costume, he charged with a combat knife.

There was barely a moment to react as Lars took the knife through the palm of his hand. Agony lit up his body as the hilt of the knife hit his skin. The sharp point of the blade was almost touching his cornea, Lars tried to throw Rommel off of him.

Blind psychotic hate drove the Nazi General as Rommel bit down on Lars’s other hand. Ripping back, he took away with him two fingers and a thumb. He followed it up with a hard right hook that broke Lars’s nose and drove a shard of bone into his brain.

The pink boy and space pirate fell backwards among the bones. Rommel fell upon the body, ready to kill; so focused on the kill that he failed to notice a pink light flash by Hans.

A high pitched shriek of justice cut through the atmosphere of fear and terror. Lars could never have defeated Rommel alone but he wasn’t alone.

It took her about twenty seconds to orient herself but when she had a vision of Rommel on top of Lars and about to behead him, Padparadscha knew she had to act.

The little gem took her giant Bowie knife and shoved it right up Rommel’s pink poop chute. Rommel screamed in high pitched terror, loud enough to shatter glass as his very being was violated. Mercilessly, Pads twisted her knife and yanked it out, slicing off a pink testicle in the process.

From out of his ruined ass, Rommel’s intestines spilled out. A pink shield flew across the hangar bay and sent Rommel flying. His guts flew out past him like a party favour; sticky pink intestines covered in ass blood wrapped around everything.

Shaky and woozy, Steven wiped vomit from his face and crawled over to Lars’s severed head.

Dazed and confused, Lars’s head spoke to Steven. “Steven, I love you. I’m pretty fucked up right now. Where’s Pads?”

“I predict I love you eternally!” Padparadscha sobbed like a classic Greek hero mourning the near death of his gay lover.

Wounded and broken, Rommel tried to push his spine back into his stomach, only to realize that Steven’s Frisbee shield had somehow removed one of the pins from his grenade.

“ _Ach nein_ ,” he whispered.

The explosion ripped through the shuttle bay and Rommel was sucked into the void of space. The last thing he saw was Steven fusing with Padparadscha to face off against the cluster monster.

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Space was boring. Only a torso with one arm, Rommel drifted through the endless void. There was pain but he could handle that. It was the boredom that got to him. He knew he was immortal, but as long as there was one other living thing in the universe he would live to kill it. Here there was nothing but his own thoughts.

Rommel was a boring person, he realized.

He wasn’t very interesting. He didn’t really have much to say. All he could think about was killing things and that wasn’t very interesting. Rommel wondered if any of it was worth it. Well that was easy to answer; it wasn’t.

And then he crashed into a floating Garden in space.

Spinel flinched when a pink . . . thingy crashed into the garden. It hacked and wheezed and with its one arm began to rub dirt all over its pink face. There was something uncanny about it. The thing flopped around pathetically.

Technically she shouldn’t move but she couldn’t help it. “ _Psst,”_ she whispered to the crippled, mutilated pink creature that painted its bloody face with dirt. “You’re the same color as Pink Diamond. Do you know if she’s close? Did she send you?”

The flopping creature froze and then locked its broken, bloodshot eyes at Spinel. “ _Der Rosa Diamant_?” the creature ground out in a glottal language. “I know her,” Rommel whispered. “Will you be my _Fuhrer?”_

Spinel watched the portal that Pink Diamond had exited. She was so _alone._ “Is that like a friend?”

“Ja, kind of,” Rommel rasped, dragging himself over to Spinel. “You need a friend. I need a Fuhrer. Let’s help each other.”

Spinel smiled, frozen in the spot but very pleased to have made a new friend. “Sure thing, buddy old pal.”

_Earth, One Year Later_

Part of his daily routine was to check his penis every morning. Being born from Steven’s will and mind, Lars checked every day to make sure he was still him. He knew that at any moment he could become like Lion, a mere tool created by Pink Diamond. Worse still, he had the potential to become like Garnet.

Today like all other days he had no barbed cat Penis; only a pink public fluff. The one thing that bothered him was the ring of scar tissue where Steven had stapled his head back on. It was not like his eye scar; it was a big, thick ugly scar and he hated it.

Over by the couch, Padparadscha played with a Darth Vader Doll and a Captain Picard doll. Today she was rubbing Vader’s crotch on Picard’s face and Jean Luc was begging Vader for more.

“Hey Pads, will you still love me if I turn into a lion?” he asked.

Twenty or so seconds passed and Padparadscha put down her dolls. “Oh Lars, you are so silly. You know my love is unconditional.”

The pink zombie boy turned and put on a sexy pair of pink panties. “Pads, will you still love me if I become like that crazy Nazi dude?”

Time passed and this time, Padparadscha toddled over to Lars and hugged his leg. “It would be no moral failing of your own, Lars. I would be the Samwise to your Frodo. I love you because I know your moral limits.”

Lars got down face to face with his girlfriend. Lifting Pads hair, he gazed lovingly into her giant, cute cyclopean eye. “I love you always, Pads. If I go full Joker, remember me as I am now.”

The response was delayed but it had been years since Lars cared. He loved Padparadscha enough to move in with her and rent a place together. “I predict I will spend eternity with you, Lars.” Pads kissed him full on the lips.

“I love you too, Pads,” he smiled. “I gotta get to the bakery soon but—hey what the fuck is that?” He asked as he noticed the red light coming out of the window.

It looked bad but it was really worse.

Out above beach city, a giant fiery pentagram had formed in the sky.

From out of the Pentagram, a flying Nazi warship towed a huge injector from Homeworld’s first wave of colonization.

“Oh shit!” Lars cried out.

Padparadscha gasped and clapped her hands to her face. “My goodness, I’ve had a horrible vision that Rommel has returned! And he has a new friend!”

On the grassy hills of Beach city, Steven cried out, “Oh Jimminy!”

His girlfriend Connie was a little more explicit. “Oh shit!”

His boyfriend Peedee was equally explicit. “What the fuck is that!” He pointed a robotic arm the goofy looking gem with rubber hose arms who was standing next to Rommel.

Peedee was more or less the same as we saw him in season one; except he was now a human head in a jar on a robot body built by Hans.

Hans quickly googled a solution on her tablet. “That’s clearly Deedee from _Dexter’s laboratory!”_

Spinel jumped down from the injector, flanked by two horned demons with the combined body weight of a dump truck. “No, ya dumb Dora! Spinel’s the name and causing Pain is my game! I’m the loser in the game that Pinky over there didn’t know she was playing.”

From atop the battleship _Bismark_ , raised from the depths of Hell, Rommel gave Spinel a Nazi salute. “Do not disrespect Fuhrer Spinel! As of today you are all fucked and her cock you will suck! This world will burn and _Stefan_ _Universum_ is first in line!” He roared and drew a mighty halberd from under his hammer space jacket. “Let the dying begin!”

“Wait! Wait! Wait, you mother fucker!” Lars cried out, as he sped onto the scene in his beat up, second hand Ford Pinto. “you want a crack at Steven, you gotta get through me!” He flashed a winning grin as he finally had an excuse to wear his space pirate costume again. He cringed as Jasper-Einz and Jasper-Zwei exploded out of his car and ripped the doors off in the process. “What the fuck, my insurance won’t cover that!”

“Fine!” Rommel growled, “Then let the battle begin!” laughing maniacally, he jumped upon Lars as Spinel drew her scythe weapon.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkbG39-T4H0>

**Author's Note:**

> Jasper Einz and Jasper Zwei are literally Jasper One and Jasper Two. 
> 
> The Jasper sisters speak in Swedish. 
> 
> I don't like Lars as a character because he reminds me too much of myself. 
> 
> i had fun writing this and I hope you had fun reading this.


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